A User's Guide to SABINE
by Sabverus
Summary: How to operate and maintain an Edition III SABINE. Probably the first in the user manual series to be based off of an original character. Written by Eileen, 'T' for some mild material that may not be suited for the young.


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CONGRATULATIONS!

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You are now the proud owner of an Edition III SABINE! In order to obtain top performance from your SABINE model, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your SABINE to her full potential.

Your SABINE should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all of her accessories (see list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of SABINE that you ordered, as there are several:

(a) Edition I.I (a.k.a. Schoolgirl Edition) SABINE (copyright Eileen Ackerly, 2000)

(b) Edition I (a.k.a. Original Edition) SABINE (copyright Agatha Ackerly, 1946)

(c) Edition II (a.k.a. Diva Edition) SABINE (copyright Eileen Ackerly, 1997-2000)

(d) Edition III (a.k.a. Oportet Exquisitus Edition) SABINE (copyright Eileen Ackerly and Beatrice Abernathy, 2001-?)

_NOTE:_ The I.I Edition model has been rendered obsolete and is currently not marketed.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Trefethen, Sabine Rebecca

Type: Human (female)

Manufacturers: Ackerly Inc.

Date of Manufacture:

Edition I SABINE - December 1913

Editions II & III SABINE - November 1960

Description:

Editions I SABINE - tall and slender; plain face. Auburn curls and black eyes.

Edition II SABINE - tall and slender; plain face. Black ringlets and hazel eyes. Perpetually wears a black opera glove on right arm and comes complete with a selection of dark glasses.

Edition III SABINE - tall and slender; plain face. Straight black hair and hazel eyes.

**INSTALLATION**

Your Edition III SABINE should arrive assembled and fully clothed in the standard issue lavender robes with black belt and choker. Variations are inevitable if you have ordered a LUSTY! or ROMANTIC! extension. The Edition III SABINE typically arrives at sunrise or sunset, regardless of shipping time, and will need to be activated immediately after removal from her crate unless she is missing a part, in which case the manufacturers may be contacted for a replacement. Please do not remove SABINE's clothing before activation even to check for flaws, as her reason component may not have been properly disabled and the typical E. III will attempt to inflict harm to the offender and/or escape upon activation.

The Edition III SABINE prefers a habitat that is both practical and romantic. Victorian mansions and stone towers are recommended yet sadly difficult to obtain; an attic, cellar or basement room will do.

_NOTE:_ Instances have occurred in which the SABINE model will arrive with a TARLA or ABIGAIL model; this is an inexplicable occurrence, as neither TARLA nor ABIGAIL are manufactured by Ackerly Inc. Nevertheless, all three are typically very compatible with one another and if you wish, you may consider the ABIGAIL or TARLA model a free gift.

_WARNING:_ If there is a SNAPE unit in the area, it's generally best for harmonic purposes to make sure that any interactions between it and the TARLA unit are supervised, as unless the SNAPE unit is a special edition it will typically bring out the worst in the case of the TARLA unit.

**ACCESSORIES**

The standard Edition III SABINE will be shipped with the following accessories:

a) black robes

b) reed wand

c) cauldron

d) wedding band (silver)

e) engagement ring (silver, lapis lazuli)

The standard SABINE will also come with a full assortment of books, and if you have purchased the Crossover Upgrade, an edition of le Fantôme de l'Opéra by Gaston Leroux and a memory chip for full knowledge of certain Broadway and opera productions of both magical and muggle nature.

Your SABINE unit will arrive to you in her factory condition of travel-weary. It is recommended that you activate her immediately and issue her a hot soapy bath and a large cup of black coffee to keep her fully functional.

_CAUTION:_ After activation, coffee must be supplied on a bidaily basis. The manufacturers are not responsible for any hurt feelings, broken teacups or head infractions that may occur as a result of neglect in this area.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your SABINE has been specifically designed for efficiency and is voice activated. You will find that she will respond to clearly stated instructions in English, French or Latin, and performance should prove satisfactory when in any standard mode excluding _Lovelorn_, _Angsty_ or _Temporarily Insane_.

SABINE is multi-talented, and may be used for many purposes including:

_Chef:_

Your SABINE's experience with brewing potions and improvisational skills will prove invaluable when you don't have time to cook dinner. Just have ready the necessary tools and call SABINE!

_Tutor:_

You will find that your SABINE unit is skilled in languages, science and mathematics as well as a wide range of magical areas. She is also experienced in the field of teaching and child-friendly, making SABINE ideal for tutoring or homeschooling children.

_Babysitter:_

The typical SABINE unit is surprisingly good with children aged 2-17, and although she may complain, don't be discouraged. Whether she thinks so or not, SABINE can be trusted with the safety and livelihood of your child(ren). Be prepared, however, for your younger child(ren) to claim that their new babysitter is 'mean' upon your reunion.

_Mildly Evil Accomplice:_

SABINE has a minorly conspiratorial mind, and it has been found in most cases that she is perfectly willing to assist in pranks, plots or any plans for revenge or domination that may pop into your head.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

SABINE is fairly compatible with most other models, particularly the special edition TARLA and ABIGAIL units available from TheGirlsInc. It has been found that she is either extremely compatible or extremely incompatible with the varying editions of the SNAPE unit, which is an unexplainable situation also occasionally demonstrated with HERMIONE and REMUS models.

SABINE has six standard modes of interaction:

a) Melancholy

b) Bitter and Wretched

c) Lovelorn

d) Angsty

e) Temporarily Insane

f) Generally Cheerful

Due to an overflow in our complaint department, SABINE's default mode is now _Melancholy_ as opposed to the original _Bitter and Wretched_. You will find that while here she is primarily without outward emotion, she is much less prone to miserable outbursts and cynical lamentations.

NOTE: Each of the three avaliable extension packages (Lusty, Romantic! and CrazyAsAllHell!) comes with an assortment of three extra modes each.

**PRECAUTIONS**

Do not expose your SABINE to small rodents, excessive physical labour or muggle soap operas.

Under no circumstances should SABINE be exposed to the elusive VOLDEMORT model, or any first edition LUCIUS unit. If exposure does occur, expect extreme trauma, damage or disrepair beyond function to occur to one, both or all.

**CLEANING**

SABINE will always insist upon self-cleaning, with no exceptions. It is necessary to provide her with a daily shower after activation to maintain function, and a weekly bath is recommended.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: May I order another SABINE?

A: As with all other units, only one model per household.

Q: My SABINE has started sleeping in rollers and came with an opera glove on her left arm. When I tried to get her to take it off, she scratched my face! What's going on?

A: You've accidentally been issued an Edition II SABINE, the third progression in developing the user-friendly E. III you ordered. It's recommended that you provide her with any grooming products she asks for, do not try to remove her glove and enjoy her benefits; this SABINE edition is skilled with music and has an excellent singing voice. If however you don't like classical music you may call 1-800-627-9783 to exchange your SABINE for another edition, or another made-up character model of your choosing.

Q: Can Sabine be left alone with my dogs/cats/birds/small children?

A: Theoretically, yes. SABINE generally gets on well enough with animals, including small children, and unless there is a possibility of harm to her person you have little to worry about.

Q: Why is SABINE so caffeine-dependant?

A: For comical purposes, SABINE has been preprogrammed with a few stereotypes generally given to the New York populace- for instance, her addiction to coffee and her cynical tendencies.

Q: Every time we pass a café, SABINE nudges me in the ribs. I've tried asking her what's wrong, but she just apologizes and tells me that I have poor perception. Why?

A: Are you stupid?

Q. My neighbor owns an Edition II SABINE, and once in a while they'll go out and stare at one another for extended periods of time.

A. Most likely, your SABINE is fascinated with the other model. While the two aren't programmed to interact, it's encouraged that you should explain to both SABINEs the situation. If confusion occurs, we suggest employing a Memory Modification Device™ and keeping the two away from one another.

Q. SABINE regularly obtains jewellery and/or new robes on her own accord, yet I give her no money. Eh?

A. This could be one of several things: there is either a special edition SNAPE unit somewhere nearby wooing your SABINE, or a TARLA unit (TARLA is programmed to be overly indulgent of SABINE) has been activated in the vicinity.

**TROUBLESHOOTING **

Problem: SABINE has locked herself in our broom closet, and I want my vacuum.

Solution: We're sorry about your vacuum. SABINE is very fond of small, dark places in which to read her extensive collection of novels. It's suggested that you invest in another closet or, if all else fails, a large laundry hamper.

Problem: I suspect that SABINE had been taking my Ritalin pills.

Solution: Consider drug counseling. If it fails, at least the pills will neutralize the caffeine buzz.

Problem: SABINE keeps loudly plotting my brutal death. It's annoying.

Solution: Check to make sure SABINE hasn't accidentally slipped into _Temporarily Insane_ mode. If she has, wait it out- she is harmless, as the mode's main purpose is comedy, and the madness will fade within a week or two. If she hasn't, ask her if she's getting enough coffee and do your best to oblige if she says no.

Problem: I showed SABINE how to work my television, but now she's addicted to soap operas/Sex in the City/pay-per-view movies.

Solution: Unfortunately, obsessiveness is in SABINE's nature. We recommend TiVo or, in the case of the pay-per-view, a very stern talking-to and a Blockbuster card.

Problem: SABINE has taken to stealing all of the Barbie dolls she can and setting them in odd poses in inconvenient places around the house (my bookshelf, the breadbox, the microwave). When I ask her about it, she denies such actions and giggles nervously.

Solution: SABINE is growing bored. We recommend taking her to the theatre or to a library if it becomes a problem, or introducing her to the Internet.

Note: If you do introduce SABINE to the Internet, consider some parental locks first.

Problem: SABINE has begun to wail loudly at small things (like dropping spoons or loose threads on her shirts) and frequently recites random, morbid passages from Shakespeare's tragedies before collapsing into a sobbing heap.

Solution: SABINE has shifted into _Bitter and Wretched_ mode. If there is no apparent cause for such a thing, switch her back to your preferred mode; otherwise, it's best to let it run its course.

Problem: SABINE has shifted into _Bitter and Wretched_ mode, and I sent her to my shrink...now I've been banned from the premises.

Solution: We're very sorry. SABINE has no tolerance for condescending people, and most likely attempted strangulation. She will, however, be happy to find you a psychologist that better suits her standards.

Problem: My neighbor owns a TARLA unit, and the two of them refuse to interact.

Solution: Unfortunately, because the sexuality of the TARLA unit is a constant source of debate to those interested in her, she comes in various subeditions and modes regarding this attribute. In short, your SABINE was not programmed with a Slash setting, your neighbor's TARLA unit was, and there has been an unfortunate chain of events that has inspired a good deal of awkwardness between the two. You may either lean back and enjoy the inevitable drama or have your neighbor sit both of them down with you and have a long chat on the subject.

Note: While the chances are one in a thousand, if your SABINE is traumatized by the incident, the problem can be solved by a Memory Modification Device™.

**AMUSING SITUATIONS**

(1) If you order a Crossover Extension Package, SABINE will begin leaving you amusing notes à la Fantôme de l'Opéra. ("Renew my library card as quickly as possible, or I will be forced to commit various atrocities against you and your pets/small children. Your loving friend, S.T. _Postscript:_ You're out of pickles.")

(2) If you have the SABINE, TARLA and ABBY models, the three of them will form a secret Ladies' Buisness club in your cellar, invite all of the women of the neighborhood and wear unusual hats.

(3) If you have the above-mentioned three models, you may toss in a special edition SNAPE unit to watch TARLA and SNAPE try to destroy each other. Eventually, TARLA, ABBY and SABINE will form an alliance against SNAPE, SNAPE, SABINE and TARLA will form an alliance against ABBY, or the four will pair up and indulge in a two-week-long volleyball/ping-pong/wizarding chess/karaoke tournament.

**EXTENSION PACKAGES**

SABINE has three current extension packages available to the public:

If you order the Lusty! extension, SABINE will seduce you, me and anything else that's human. Beware of a lack of hot water, wine addictions and dramatic alterations to SABINE's robes.

Buy a Romantic! extension package to see SABINE wear her hair down, recite poetry, cry over soap operas and tend to your garden!

Finally, purchasing a CrazyAsAllHell! extension will make SABINE go completely (yet harmlessly) insane. This is perfect for those of you who live for comedy.

Each extension comes with drive chip and three new modes of interaction.

_WARNING:_ Do not combine these extension kits. We are not responsible for physical trauma, mental trauma or malfunction associated with these packages.

**FINAL NOTE**

You will find that you have not been issued a guarantee, due to the unusual nature of SABINE. If she is well cared for, however, you will find that you may enjoy her company for anywhere from thirty to sixty years.


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